melancholia

I think this is what they mean when they talk about melancholia - it feels like all the joy has been sucked out of my life, all the things I've achieved over the last four years mean nothing because I'm not exactly where I had planned to be, and I feel like chucking the whole thing in. Or maybe I've been attacked by a dementor. Either way, it was hard to get out of bed this morning, and hard to really do anything without whingeing about it. Here's hoping it doesn't last, because if it does there will be some serious anti-depressants in order.

My songs are too low, my career is too far away, my job is draining the soul out of me and causing me no end of bad karma. The boys in my life keep disappointing me, and I wish there was something more to my life than theatre. Time to join a surf club and go dancing again. Dust off the never-played-so-technically-still-brand-new saxophone and get my jazz back. How did I get here? One blow-off from a not very important boy and all the good work I've done on loving myself falls apart... You know things are bad when champagne in the sunshine doesn't help. Scott Alan??? Here's hoping. Wish me luck xx

part two

Last night, I had a revelation. This revelation came in the very simple form of some suggested pieces for a drama school audition.You would think my revelation would come in the form of being cast as Luisa, or doing a kick ass portrayal of Eliza, as evidenced by dying strangers telling me I changed their lives, or going to WAAPA shows and knowing fully and completely that I am just as good if not better than every single person on stage. But no, my revelation came as I scrolled down the NIDA 'Suggested Pieces' page. So now, not only are NIDA running a musis theatre stream of their acting BA, but one of their required pieces is Beatrice's monologue from As You Like It, which is one of my favourite pieces ever. But to top all that, out of five suggested music pieces, one of them is 'You Don't Know This Man' from Parade, which is quickly becoming my number one party piece.

So my revelation: I HAVE to get in to NIDA. Surely these crazy coincidences are signs. SURELY! And in that case, I need to be as ready and prepared as I possibly can be. Which means choosing monologues and songs NOW, and setting up singing lessons and personal training sessions so that I'm a gorgeous little size 10 by November :) And now I'm all excited again.



xxk

chapter one

Today, I am tired. Tired of being treated like crap by the people who supposedly love me. Tired of not treating my body properly. Tired of not respecting myself enough. Tired of being put down by people whose dreams aren't as grand as mine. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of trying so hard and getting nothing in return. Tired of living the life that's so close to what I want, and yet so far away. Tired of not be noticed. Tired of being picked on. Tired of treating the people I supposedly love like crap. Tired of loving harder than anyone I know, and not being loved in return...

So today, I resolve to try to be a better person. Today I make a pact with myself. A pact that means I will stand up for myself and those I love. A pact that means that I will get rid of my baggage, both emotionally and physically. I will treat the people I love with the respect and adoration they deserve, and cut those who don't deserve me out of my life. I will stop clamouring for respect and praise from the people I know will never give it to me, and be content with the fact that I AM beautiful, talented and worthy, regardless of whether other people tell me that. Because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many shows I work on and how many bunches of flowers I buy, some people are never going to love me as much as I love them. But today is different. Today I become a better, bigger person. Because today I realised that it doesn't matter.

I love really hard. I love powerfully and passionately. I love like there's no tomorrow, and I show it. And not everyone is like that. But that's okay. I don't need their acceptance to feel like a complete person. I don't need him to notice the way I look at him, and I don't need her to tell me I'm fabulous before I believe that I am. Because today is a new beginning. Today, the 20th of August, is a new chapter. Today I grow up. Today, I become a woman. So to hell with the bitchy girls who try to knock me down to their level. I won't sink. This time, this year, this lifetime, I do what is right for me. And what is right for me is to keep loving hard. To do the right thing by my family, and the people who actually love me. To keep working towards my dreams, no matter how far off they might seem. And to believe that I AM beautiful, and talented, and worthy, even when they tell me otherwise.

That is my pact. And this is my journey. Wish me luck.