date night...

Is it bad to use boys for free movie tickets? When you have no intention of putting out but you know that they almost certainly expect it??? Oh well, I'm not that kind of girl (unless you're Matt Morrison or Chord Overstreet. Seriously, call me.)

I miss The Comedian. I hate to admit it, but I really do. I think he's back with Bitchy McBitchface, which hurts (again), but if they want to put themselves through something that will almost certainly end in tears, that's their choice. I don't understand it, but I'm not an idiot, or a school child. FRH has been amazing and so supportive through all this, even though she's dealing with her own crap as a result. Sometimes I long for the fun, easy times that were 2009, but that wouldn't help me to grow.

NIDA audition pieces are looking pretty great, I'm seriously excited to show them to the boys on Sunday night :) Hopefully they'll have some good constructive criticism, and if not then at least I know they're good! I'm actually excited for audition season this year, which is a nice change to the usual hideous nerves and feeling of impossibility that comes with November! Fingers crossed I'll hear from BAPA soon, and then I can go into my auditions knowing that regardless of how my live auditions go, I have somewhere to go next year!!!

So excited to get out of Perth and away from all this drama :)

xxk

shit, son...

Let me tell you... What a day. Like, seriously, shit like this doesn't happen to me. Let me tell you about it. Wow.

So, filming, singing, acting, dancing - all fabulous. I'm apparently talented and beautiful and whatever. But then... lunch. Ok, so, I go on and on about wanting to be treated like a princess, and then when it actually happened... Well, I guess it wasn't the right guy? Lunch, wine, three desserts (!), then "Do you want to come to Margaret River with me?" What, now?? Hah, you're ridiculous. Which the wine turned into "Sure, that sounds amazing." Then three hours and a pitstop in Bunbury later wait, wait, I seriously can't do this, which is code for I can't do you. Oh Lord, why is this happening to me??!?!

So now, do I keep pretending to like him until I've got all my DVDs in, or let him down gently now, or lie about still being hung up on someone else???? Urgh. Why me? Seriously.

making alcoholism cool

This is officially the week from hell. Funerals, not getting any work done, feeling messed up about The Comedian and his potential relationship with FRH... Not to mention I have had 38 glasses of wine and seven hours sleep in the last three days, a trend which I am not seeing let up anytime soon. BFF is in town for the weekend, so Wednesday was Lesbian Mud Wrestling - messy and late and drink driving. Last night was Reefer Madness - subtext and confusion and washing down four ibuprofen with most of a bottle of wine, while sitting alone in my bed watching 90210 until 2 in the morning. Tonight is Mothers' Birthday - dinner with the fam, hoping I didn't piss her off this morning by not remembering her birthday in my semi-comatose hungover morning haze, trying to stay awake until I bail for... Debauchery Revisited. BFF + pole dancing + too, too, TOO much champagne, potentially followed by vomiting in a carpark or public urination. We're that classy. Tomorrow night is Retro Prom, which is sure to include more subtext and confusion, but without the distraction of many, many hot, gay men. I hope to be wearing a pretty fabulous (read: hideous) dress, and will be looking ah-may-zing (read: haggard), so I'm sure he'll come crawling back. But really, it's not about him, it's about Journo, and she deserves for me to at least try to have a good time.
God, I can barely see... Having a super hard time focussing, and unlike last night, I don't think it's really appropriate for me to have a nap before dinner, seeing as it is mothers' birthday and I should be making a fuss of her...
Urgh, I am so not safe to drive.
xxk

my seriously boring life

Last night was my first week night out in a long time, and boy, am I feeling it today! At the ripe old age of 21, I am officially too old to go out drinking until 3:30am and then have to perform my seriously sedentary job to any basic level of competency. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, my eyes are about to fall out of my head and I am in serious need of a nap. Sadly, I have plans with The Comedian tonight, and I plan to curl my hair. I probably don't have time, and shouldn't even bother because he won't even notice, but I have serious issues with this boy. Even the bat-shit crazy ex-girlfriend couldn't scare me away. I swore I wouldn't get involved with him and all the drama that comes with him ever, EVER again, but I get on so seriously well with him it's ridiculous to not have him in my life. So what do I do? I make more week night plans, stress about what I'm going to wear all day and decide to curl my hair. What the eff is wrong with me?
I need to sit him down for a serious talking to, though, because he's not being entirely honest with me at the moment. And by entirely, I obviously mean 'at all'. Urgh. Why do I let you do this to me? Multiple times? I am seriously troubled, and just the thought of all this makes me want a glass of wine. I am rapidly turning into an alcoholic. And while that's fun, I need to seriously limit my food intake do to the ridiculous amount of calories I consume drinking. Why wasn't I gifted with a metabolism? Genetics are a bitch.
xxk

not even close...

I always find it interesting when events repeat themselves. You might think people have changed, you might think they've grown and have started moving on, but you'd probably be wrong. Eight months later and they're still making my life difficult. She's still as bat-shit crazy as before, and he still does weird things to my heart. At least this time around they're doing both things to other people. It's quite refreshing to be heartily agreed with rather than completely dismissed. Despite everything that's happened and the friends I've lost, I've gained some new ones and strengthened the bonds with old ones, so I suppose there really always is a positive side.

I wish I knew how he felt. I always seem to write about boys, but they're honestly the most problematic aspect of my life. I called to warn him about impending crazy and to let him know I'm confused about our relationship and where I stand now. He agreed that hanging out has been great and it's certainly stirring things up, which I took to mean he thinks he maybe still has feelings for me. That was until I spoke to DQ on Saturday, and he apparently declared his undying love for her minutes before speaking to me. I don't mind; my life would certainly be simpler without dating him, but I like to think he'd be honest with me. I suppose we'll see what happens Thursday night. I'm taking flowers.

Until more drama ensues...  xxk

not what I expected...

Today is another one of those days. Those days when I realised that many people in my life wouldn't choose me if they were forced. You know what I mean? If they had to choose between me and someone else, it would almost always be someone else. That's difficult to swallow. Especially when this time last year that would probably have been a very different story. Maybe my wise mother is right, and I should take a leaf out of Rachel Berry's book - become the bitchy, entitled, stuck-up bitch I am inside, because I know I'm actually better than everyone else. But it feels nice to have semi-friends most of the time... Who knows. xxk

melancholia

I think this is what they mean when they talk about melancholia - it feels like all the joy has been sucked out of my life, all the things I've achieved over the last four years mean nothing because I'm not exactly where I had planned to be, and I feel like chucking the whole thing in. Or maybe I've been attacked by a dementor. Either way, it was hard to get out of bed this morning, and hard to really do anything without whingeing about it. Here's hoping it doesn't last, because if it does there will be some serious anti-depressants in order.

My songs are too low, my career is too far away, my job is draining the soul out of me and causing me no end of bad karma. The boys in my life keep disappointing me, and I wish there was something more to my life than theatre. Time to join a surf club and go dancing again. Dust off the never-played-so-technically-still-brand-new saxophone and get my jazz back. How did I get here? One blow-off from a not very important boy and all the good work I've done on loving myself falls apart... You know things are bad when champagne in the sunshine doesn't help. Scott Alan??? Here's hoping. Wish me luck xx

part two

Last night, I had a revelation. This revelation came in the very simple form of some suggested pieces for a drama school audition.You would think my revelation would come in the form of being cast as Luisa, or doing a kick ass portrayal of Eliza, as evidenced by dying strangers telling me I changed their lives, or going to WAAPA shows and knowing fully and completely that I am just as good if not better than every single person on stage. But no, my revelation came as I scrolled down the NIDA 'Suggested Pieces' page. So now, not only are NIDA running a musis theatre stream of their acting BA, but one of their required pieces is Beatrice's monologue from As You Like It, which is one of my favourite pieces ever. But to top all that, out of five suggested music pieces, one of them is 'You Don't Know This Man' from Parade, which is quickly becoming my number one party piece.

So my revelation: I HAVE to get in to NIDA. Surely these crazy coincidences are signs. SURELY! And in that case, I need to be as ready and prepared as I possibly can be. Which means choosing monologues and songs NOW, and setting up singing lessons and personal training sessions so that I'm a gorgeous little size 10 by November :) And now I'm all excited again.



xxk

chapter one

Today, I am tired. Tired of being treated like crap by the people who supposedly love me. Tired of not treating my body properly. Tired of not respecting myself enough. Tired of being put down by people whose dreams aren't as grand as mine. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of trying so hard and getting nothing in return. Tired of living the life that's so close to what I want, and yet so far away. Tired of not be noticed. Tired of being picked on. Tired of treating the people I supposedly love like crap. Tired of loving harder than anyone I know, and not being loved in return...

So today, I resolve to try to be a better person. Today I make a pact with myself. A pact that means I will stand up for myself and those I love. A pact that means that I will get rid of my baggage, both emotionally and physically. I will treat the people I love with the respect and adoration they deserve, and cut those who don't deserve me out of my life. I will stop clamouring for respect and praise from the people I know will never give it to me, and be content with the fact that I AM beautiful, talented and worthy, regardless of whether other people tell me that. Because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many shows I work on and how many bunches of flowers I buy, some people are never going to love me as much as I love them. But today is different. Today I become a better, bigger person. Because today I realised that it doesn't matter.

I love really hard. I love powerfully and passionately. I love like there's no tomorrow, and I show it. And not everyone is like that. But that's okay. I don't need their acceptance to feel like a complete person. I don't need him to notice the way I look at him, and I don't need her to tell me I'm fabulous before I believe that I am. Because today is a new beginning. Today, the 20th of August, is a new chapter. Today I grow up. Today, I become a woman. So to hell with the bitchy girls who try to knock me down to their level. I won't sink. This time, this year, this lifetime, I do what is right for me. And what is right for me is to keep loving hard. To do the right thing by my family, and the people who actually love me. To keep working towards my dreams, no matter how far off they might seem. And to believe that I AM beautiful, and talented, and worthy, even when they tell me otherwise.

That is my pact. And this is my journey. Wish me luck.