do i love you?

There are three men in my life whom I really, truly love. The first is my dad. My damaged, fragile, vulnerable father, who doesn't know how to express his love in words and so turns instead to extravagant gifts and money and holidays. My father who can't express his sadness at having both his children move out of his house to live once again with his ex-wife, so channels the hurt and the disappointment into inexplicable rage caused by unimportant things. My father who will never really get over my fabulous mother, and so hasn't been on a date or displayed more than a vague interest in the female sex for more than eight years. My amazing father, who despite all his flaws, I love without words. My father has been my financial rock - someone I know I can always turn to when my lifestyle gets too extravagant - which I know might sound trivial but is actually extremely important considering I am a starving actor/student/waitress. My father who will always make sure I have a roof over my head, petrol in my car and food in my belly, and more often than not, too much wine in my blood stream.
The second is my baby brother. Although he is now more than six foot four, he will always be my 'Bubba'. The one who knows better than anyone else how to make me laugh, and who is leaving me in a few days to travel the world and see amazing things and do incredible deeds and generally make all his dreams come true. The brother who has always been there for me; through Mum's bizarre hormonal rages, through Grandad's passing and the divorce, which I'm not entirely sure he understood. The little brother I left to look after our Mum when she lost the life of her life to a careless driver while I went gallivanting off to America. He was fifteen. The little brother who will always be the most important person in the world to me, who I would drive to the ends of the earth to pick up if it meant he wouldn't get into the car with a drunk driver. The little brother who doesn't really know what he's doing with his life, but which I know will be amazing. The little brother who will always and forever be my first, truest and best friend.
And then it gets complicated. And it gets complicated because the third man I love is you. My other half, my psychic twin, my soul mate. MY soul mate, who I am endlessly baffled to find engaged to another woman. The Doctor to my Rose, the Constable Care to my Teagan, Chameleon Circuit to my One Direction. The man who makes all my quirks make sense. What are you doing with someone else? And on the other side of the world?! This is madness, surely some evil scheme cooked up by our dear foe Scarborer.
And here is where it gets tricky. Although I have always loved you, since I first discovered we could quite happily co-exist for a week, we shared a mutual love for black English comedy and Tim Minchin and sounded incredible dueting on my favourite JRB love song, I don't know how you feel about me. In my fantasies I confess my love, you immediately forswear all others including your fiancee and we ride off into the sunset. But it wouldn't be the first time my great love had been unrequited. And were I to confess this love and not have it reciprocated... Well, that sort of thing takes a while to get over.
Maybe I'm the one for you, maybe I'm not. But I know for certain that SHE definitely isn't. A girl who doesn't drink tea, falls asleep at parties and can't feel at home among your family? Come on. She's vapid, she's bland and she's nothing like us. WE ARE THE SAME! Surely we're meant to be together? I'd say something, but again, a friendship doesn't recover from that kind of damning revelation. Then there's the logistical problems, and the sum total leaves me feeling heartbroken, lonely and frustrated. Of course I want nothing more for you to be happy, but if it was me making you happy... Well, that would be the most ideal outcome.
And then there's the second guessing.
 - Would we work as a couple? Or are we too similarly volatile??
 - Do I only want you because I can't have you? The engaged best friend who now lives on the other side of the world has got to be the most classic example of my enduring lust for unattainable men.
 - How will I EVER get over the man who is more like me than anyone I've ever met, and probably anyone I will ever meet?
Long story short, I'm fucked. You make me make sense, please realise that we're perfect for each other before you swear your life to that pathetic, beige git.

it's a little bit funny...

Isn't it interesting how much can change in three months??? When I last wrote, I was still pining over The Comedian, feeling like a bitch for using JewBoy and expecting whole-heartedly that I wouldn't be in Perth come February 2011. Well, now it's February and guess what? I'm still in shitty old Perth. Sadly, my auditions didn't pan out exactly as I'd planned, and it turns out no-one actually wanted me. So what does that tally add up to? 8 schools, 11 course and, wait for it, 0 offers. Wow. I must really suck.

Despite this hideous turn of circumstances, I'm actually doing pretty great! Got myself a boy who is turning out to be way more fabulous than I'd initially realised, and one month in I'm still feeling giddy and possibly a little bit (okay, a lot) in love. Gee, I'm pretty disgusting, hey?

Finally got myself a job, but it took the complete and utter decimation of my savings for me to get off my ass and do it. Worst part is, once I actually contacted my temp agency, I was working within 48 hours. Turns out, I'm an idiot. And though I'm not making the money I'm used to, the work is super easy and at least it's an income! It's long hours but only 4 days a week, and they've already talked about keeping me on long term (after 3 hours of being here. Seriously, am I exceptional or what?!??) Only trouble is, can I afford to only work 4 days a week? The extra $200 makes a big difference, particularly if you like shoes and shows as much as I do, and have two theoretical holidays planned in the next six months.

A big, BIG difference now that I've just looked at how cheap it is to get to the US in June. Seriously, this might be totally doable. I'm dying a little bit right now, wish I hadn't spent all my savings! Waaah I'm a stupid bitch!!!

I'm just going to go kill myself now. Yay. xxk

date night...

Is it bad to use boys for free movie tickets? When you have no intention of putting out but you know that they almost certainly expect it??? Oh well, I'm not that kind of girl (unless you're Matt Morrison or Chord Overstreet. Seriously, call me.)

I miss The Comedian. I hate to admit it, but I really do. I think he's back with Bitchy McBitchface, which hurts (again), but if they want to put themselves through something that will almost certainly end in tears, that's their choice. I don't understand it, but I'm not an idiot, or a school child. FRH has been amazing and so supportive through all this, even though she's dealing with her own crap as a result. Sometimes I long for the fun, easy times that were 2009, but that wouldn't help me to grow.

NIDA audition pieces are looking pretty great, I'm seriously excited to show them to the boys on Sunday night :) Hopefully they'll have some good constructive criticism, and if not then at least I know they're good! I'm actually excited for audition season this year, which is a nice change to the usual hideous nerves and feeling of impossibility that comes with November! Fingers crossed I'll hear from BAPA soon, and then I can go into my auditions knowing that regardless of how my live auditions go, I have somewhere to go next year!!!

So excited to get out of Perth and away from all this drama :)

xxk

shit, son...

Let me tell you... What a day. Like, seriously, shit like this doesn't happen to me. Let me tell you about it. Wow.

So, filming, singing, acting, dancing - all fabulous. I'm apparently talented and beautiful and whatever. But then... lunch. Ok, so, I go on and on about wanting to be treated like a princess, and then when it actually happened... Well, I guess it wasn't the right guy? Lunch, wine, three desserts (!), then "Do you want to come to Margaret River with me?" What, now?? Hah, you're ridiculous. Which the wine turned into "Sure, that sounds amazing." Then three hours and a pitstop in Bunbury later wait, wait, I seriously can't do this, which is code for I can't do you. Oh Lord, why is this happening to me??!?!

So now, do I keep pretending to like him until I've got all my DVDs in, or let him down gently now, or lie about still being hung up on someone else???? Urgh. Why me? Seriously.

making alcoholism cool

This is officially the week from hell. Funerals, not getting any work done, feeling messed up about The Comedian and his potential relationship with FRH... Not to mention I have had 38 glasses of wine and seven hours sleep in the last three days, a trend which I am not seeing let up anytime soon. BFF is in town for the weekend, so Wednesday was Lesbian Mud Wrestling - messy and late and drink driving. Last night was Reefer Madness - subtext and confusion and washing down four ibuprofen with most of a bottle of wine, while sitting alone in my bed watching 90210 until 2 in the morning. Tonight is Mothers' Birthday - dinner with the fam, hoping I didn't piss her off this morning by not remembering her birthday in my semi-comatose hungover morning haze, trying to stay awake until I bail for... Debauchery Revisited. BFF + pole dancing + too, too, TOO much champagne, potentially followed by vomiting in a carpark or public urination. We're that classy. Tomorrow night is Retro Prom, which is sure to include more subtext and confusion, but without the distraction of many, many hot, gay men. I hope to be wearing a pretty fabulous (read: hideous) dress, and will be looking ah-may-zing (read: haggard), so I'm sure he'll come crawling back. But really, it's not about him, it's about Journo, and she deserves for me to at least try to have a good time.
God, I can barely see... Having a super hard time focussing, and unlike last night, I don't think it's really appropriate for me to have a nap before dinner, seeing as it is mothers' birthday and I should be making a fuss of her...
Urgh, I am so not safe to drive.
xxk

my seriously boring life

Last night was my first week night out in a long time, and boy, am I feeling it today! At the ripe old age of 21, I am officially too old to go out drinking until 3:30am and then have to perform my seriously sedentary job to any basic level of competency. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, my eyes are about to fall out of my head and I am in serious need of a nap. Sadly, I have plans with The Comedian tonight, and I plan to curl my hair. I probably don't have time, and shouldn't even bother because he won't even notice, but I have serious issues with this boy. Even the bat-shit crazy ex-girlfriend couldn't scare me away. I swore I wouldn't get involved with him and all the drama that comes with him ever, EVER again, but I get on so seriously well with him it's ridiculous to not have him in my life. So what do I do? I make more week night plans, stress about what I'm going to wear all day and decide to curl my hair. What the eff is wrong with me?
I need to sit him down for a serious talking to, though, because he's not being entirely honest with me at the moment. And by entirely, I obviously mean 'at all'. Urgh. Why do I let you do this to me? Multiple times? I am seriously troubled, and just the thought of all this makes me want a glass of wine. I am rapidly turning into an alcoholic. And while that's fun, I need to seriously limit my food intake do to the ridiculous amount of calories I consume drinking. Why wasn't I gifted with a metabolism? Genetics are a bitch.
xxk

not even close...

I always find it interesting when events repeat themselves. You might think people have changed, you might think they've grown and have started moving on, but you'd probably be wrong. Eight months later and they're still making my life difficult. She's still as bat-shit crazy as before, and he still does weird things to my heart. At least this time around they're doing both things to other people. It's quite refreshing to be heartily agreed with rather than completely dismissed. Despite everything that's happened and the friends I've lost, I've gained some new ones and strengthened the bonds with old ones, so I suppose there really always is a positive side.

I wish I knew how he felt. I always seem to write about boys, but they're honestly the most problematic aspect of my life. I called to warn him about impending crazy and to let him know I'm confused about our relationship and where I stand now. He agreed that hanging out has been great and it's certainly stirring things up, which I took to mean he thinks he maybe still has feelings for me. That was until I spoke to DQ on Saturday, and he apparently declared his undying love for her minutes before speaking to me. I don't mind; my life would certainly be simpler without dating him, but I like to think he'd be honest with me. I suppose we'll see what happens Thursday night. I'm taking flowers.

Until more drama ensues...  xxk